I was at a restaurant last night, eating a bacon cheeseburger, and I couldn’t help but think to myself, damn, this could use more bacon. You hear me Chile’s? Two measly fucking bacon strips on a half-pound burger is bullshit.
Anyway, then I ate a french fry, and again thought damn, this could also use more bacon. So I took a sip from my vodka tonic, and holy shit I thought, this needs some motherfucking bacon. Right now.
Things only got worse from there. I started having panic attacks, realizing that everything in the world, including bacon itself, needs more bacon. They found me two days later, naked except for an old-timey Amish hair bonnet and covered in bacon grease, trying to break into a pig farm. All I had on me at the time was a fork, and this recipe:
Bacon Infused Vodka Recipe (Motherfucker)
What You Need:
-Vodka, 750ml (use something nice, none of that Zhenka shit)
-1 pound of delicious, tender, melt-on-your-tits fucking bacon
-The rock solid pair of balls required to craft a drink of this magnitude
How To Do the Damn Thing:
- Cook up the entire pound of bacon. Eat it, rub it all over your body, do whatever with it. The grease is what we’re after. Cooking all the bacon should leave you with about a half-cup of slimy, greasy goodness.
- Pour the leftover grease into a separate container for easy access.
- Pour the entire 750 of vodka into a large open-mouthed container (a water pitcher works well). Then pour all that delicious grease in.
- Stir the grease and vodka together. They’re going to want to separate, and inevitably will if left sitting for a couple minutes, but stirring is the only way to infuse the flavors.
- Let sit for four hours, stirring every 15-20 minutes. You’ll see that each time you go to stir it, it will have separated again. Don’t panic. This sort of thing is perfectly normal for a girl your age.
- Take your vodka/grease concoction and put that fucker in the freezer. Leave it in there for about four hours, until it’s nice and chilled out, like your hyperactive roommate after a few bong rips.
- At this point the grease will have frozen together into a slushy mush at the top of your container. Use a spoon or a knife to remove that shit, then throw it out, or feed it to somebody you don’t like if you’re a cheeky bastard.
- Run your leftover vodka through a coffee or Brita filter. Preferably both. This will remove all those pesky chunks of frozen bacon grease and will also make your Brita filter taste like vodka forevermore (as if that’s a bad thing).
- Add some of that cooked bacon for extra infusion if you want, and otherwise, drink that shit! Enjoy the manly tufts of dark, curly hair that will inevitably shoot out of your chest upon taking your first sip, regardless of whether you’re male or female.
In case you can’t read (in which case how the hell did you even get to the bottom of this article? And how are you even understanding this?), here’s a handy little video how-to complete with porno background music.
Images courtesy of en.wikipedia.org, http://allthingsbacon.blogspot.com, allnewyear.com, chomposaurus.wordpress.com, interbent.com
Category: Drinks and Jungle Juice