1. The Wendy Peffercorn’s:
No not the actual actress from our definitive childhood movie, The Sandlot. I’m talking about the girl who continually gives you ‘the look’ from across the party but won’t even so much as show you her teeth in a smile when she glances your way. Naturally, as any testosterone fueled college male would do, you go in for the kill only to find out that she is a self-entitled, righteous bitch who makes your manhood shrivel into oblivion. And it gets worse…as the night progresses you manage to get ‘Wendy’ into the sack, a feat that should be awarded. Unfortunately as things start to heat up and your tongue wanders into her mouth you find yourself being slapped firmly with her pimp hand. She not only embarrasses the both of you, but rips your dignity right out your ass. Turns out Wendy would’ve been happier if you just laid there and received her interpretation of CPR.
2. Buzz Killington:
Probably the most self-explanatory entry on this list. This notable character walks into every college party already pissed off about some altercation that happened with his ‘stay-at-home’ girlfriend before the night started. Buzz usually spills his drink on whatever argyle Cardigan he’s wearing that night, and without fail this condescending ass will be the first to tell you the party’s over. Buzz Killington’s topic of choice will be nauseating and his monotonous tone and demeanor sits alongside Mr. Rogers. Regardless of the energetic atmosphere, this unwelcomed guest will be sure to dampen the mood with some joke about the European economy or the imminent arrival of the police.
You know exactly who these people are. Their distinct fragrance shamelessly screams puke n’ rally when its only 10:30. Not only can you smell these people coming, but you know where they’ve been as they leave pissed off party-goers and broken glass in the wake of their destruction. What eventually coined the term is the person’s unmatched ability to put their head down, and make it across even the most crowded college parties. Additionally their highly drunken state allocates for a unique capacity to mimic the noises of a troll or ogre with muscular dystrophy. Not only does this take a head of steel and body filled to the brim with McCormick’s, but a complete lack of respect for yourself and the more stationary guests at the party.
4. The Biggest Loser:
This person loses everything in every possible way. They are reliable in their ability to wake up without their phone, without their purse, and one broken heel on their foot. When asked how their night was the conversation always plays out the same: “I met the one” –and? “He got away and now I’m all alone forever”. Don’t feel bad, these unfortunate individuals were doomed from the start of the night when their alcohol connect fell through and Wine Coolers became the drink of choice for the evening. To be safe, don’t stick around these self-perpetuating messes, as their continuing malfunctions have been known to rub off on those around them.
5. The Lingerer:
The lingerer starts early in the night, planting potential seeds to unsuspecting freshman and prospects whose BAC has quadrupled the legal limit. As dubstep is replaced with Barry White, and the most competent, capable, couples retreat to their beds; the lingerer starts their best work. With only a few cadaverous bodies left to lay, the lingerer will stick around at a strangers house until the last glimmer of hope has retreated with the ones lucky (or coherent) enough to close. However don’t be so quick to judge, the lingerer is unbelievably persistent and rarely ends up going home alone.
Sorority girls I’m talking directly to you. Tight blue pants, with neon pink socks, and a crossing guard yellow shirt that has some adorable phrase emblazoned on the front…and back…in glittered lettering. I don’t know if I missed the generational memo but I don’t see many guys who still dress like Rick Astley. Don’t worry, you’ll know who these girls are aside from glowing like a Christmas tree in a dark room because…well…they’ll all be standing together in a semi-circle with no intention of going home with anyone whose hair isn’t slicked neatly between an upside down visor…and all the while the look on their face falsely tantalizes you to “Hit Me With Your Best Shot”.
7. The Dirty Jerz Clan:
The ground starts to shake, conversations become muffled, and the fear of god is instilled into your heart as a massive group of New Jersey native’s rolls up to any successful party in progress. Unbeknownst to you, the host, there were already several other ‘Jerseyites’ laying dormant inside the house who spontaneously detonate into proliferated yelling upon seeing the arrival of the Clan. Some weird greeting ritual immediately commences which usually involves a roll of duct tape and banana until every last Jerseyan has embraced. The party continues but suddenly you find yourself in a stickier room, cramped between two jack-o-lanterns, listening to dubstep and wondering why it smells like a can and a half of AXE. Before you know it, all alcohol is consumed, your ears are bleeding, and some guy with a goatee has convinced you he’s stealing your girlfriend.
8. The Reverend:
One drop of the firewater is all it takes to get this person going on a twenty-minute rant about Reagan’s old fiscal policies or the causal relationship between weed consumption and innovation. Coincidentally, the inebriated preacher will always choose a topic in which no one can relate to, only granting the rambling buffoon more time to get his erroneous point across to any one hammered enough to listen. God forbid you interject; this young Al Sharpton will attempt to verbally clamp your balls in a whirlwind of inaudible consonants using examples from some ‘peer reviewed’ article you’ve never read all while spitting directly into your drink. So when you hear someone start a sentence with “Congress is attempting to pass a bill that allows…” Quietly stand up, and walk the fuck outta there.
Ya know as in Jawa from Star Wars; the sinister Desert creatures that run around in brown robes mumbling to themselves. In college you’ll find these mythical creatures disguised as world class burnouts clad in some recycled hemp or post consumer product. When they walk into the party, their confusing aroma alerts everyone of their arrival. Smelling like weed would be fine, however the Jawa approaches a scent that is reminiscent of a ‘wet-dog’ incense dipped in burning rubber. If you have bad anxiety, the company of a Jawa will be unsettling for their constant scratching and twitching serves as a constant reminder that: Acid is not the best drug in the world. As the night progresses I wouldn’t count on this person to contribute much to the conversation, but they will compensate their silence with a bag full of party favors, usually free of charge.
10. The Non-Drinker:
For whatever glorified basis, this person has chosen to take the path of permanent sobriety. Whether the reason goes unmentioned -normally relating to some past incident with your Uncle who you found out later wasn’t really your Uncle- or they got tricked into converting into Mormonism, this straight arrow blatantly sticks out in a group of inebriated folk. This individual is levelheaded; a pleasure to be around, and always brings something substantial to the party scene. When you find yourself in a sticky situation, Steve Sobersman will come to the rescue with a quick fix and a good joke. So how did this person make it into the top ten worst list? It’s because they openly embody the exact opposite of all these characteristics. If your trying to get laid, have a fun night, or just avoid looking like a complete jabroni, make sure your buddy is just as drunk as you are. Drink up!