Halloween, the one blessed night a year when it isn’t considered weird or passé to get hammered-ass drunk and stuff your fat face with mound after mound of candy, is almost upon us. And though there are many different kinds of delicious candy available for the occasion, one must be careful in their selection of Halloween treats. The type of candy a person likes says a lot about them, and if you like any of the candies listed below, I probably hate you. So, without further ado, here are the 10 Worst Halloween Candies of All Time. Forever.
10. Dum Dums
Dum Dums are the lollipop that gives absolutely zero fucks, made for people who give absolutely zero fucks. Part of me wants to respect the makers of Dum Dums for understanding that you don’t need to make a quality product if you market it solely to parents who’ll just buy the first Halloween candy they see at the grocery store so they can go home and watch the football game, but the sheer heinousness of some of some of their flavors keeps me from doing so. Sure, there are some halfway decent flavors like strawberry and grape, but you’re far more likely to bite into a root beer or cream soda flavored Dum Dum, both of which are nothing short of a genocide in your mouth.
9. Necco Wafers
In case you were ever wondering, Necco Wafers are here to tell you that yes, the drywall in your house is totally edible. Though they come packaged in wacky pastel colors, rest assured: every Necco Wafer tastes exactly the same. The sneaky bastards at Necco may try to distract you with an odd green or yellow piece, but the flavor is always chalk, no matter what.
Tootsie Roll Industries (yes, there is such a thing) boasts that DOTS are “America’s #1 selling gumdrop brand,” which is kind of like being America’s #1 selling toilet bowl cleaner brand, in that nobody cares. DOTS themselves are flavorless little balls of gelatin and cornstarch that are great for throwing at that annoying kid who never shuts the hell up about global warming in your Environmental Science class (bonus points if you can get ‘em to stick in his hair), but suck for absolutely everything else, including eating.
7. Candy Corn
Being that candy corn doesn’t actually look like corn nor taste like candy, its name is a bit of a misnomer. “Diseased teeth candy” would be a more accurate term in both the looks and taste department. Not unlike projectile vomiting, the fact that candy corn is an iconic and integral part of Halloween does not automatically make it good.
6. Good & Plenty
Arguably the most blatant lie in the history of advertising, there is absolutely nothing good about Good & Plenty, and if there is ever plenty of it it’s only because nobody wants to eat that shit. Along with marzipan and banana-flavored anything, black licorice has always been the unwanted and unloved stepchild of the candy industry, kept alive by the minority of mutant freaks out there who actually think it tastes good. If you ever happen meet one of these “people” (and I use the term loosely here), keep your guard up. If they think black licorice is good, who knows what other kinds of sick and depraved shit they also think is “good.”
5. Now and Later
Whereas Good & Plenty’s name is a downright lie, Now and Later’s namesake couldn’t be truer. In fact, it perfectly describes the experience of eating one, in that you put it in your mouth Now, and spend hours scraping sticky shit off your teeth Later. It’s one of those candies that seems to be on the verge of being inedible, as if it was originally not intended to be a food at all, and then one day the makers said, “Hey, our industrial adhesive putty isn’t selling too well. You think we can get impressionable kids to eat it?” To which I imagine the response was a resounding “Fuck yeah!”
4. Wax Lips
What the hell are these things? Are they even edible? If so, when the fuck did we start considering wax to be “candy?” Are they flavored or something? What the hell kind of flavor are lips supposed to be anyway? Cherry? Are you supposed to wear them on your face? Why? What’s the point? What kinds of crazy drugs were the makers of these things on? Where can I get said drugs? How much do they cost? Why am I asking you all these questions? Where am I?
Hope you’ve enjoyed the use of your molars, because as soon as you bite down on a Bit-O-Honey, they no longer belong to you. Perhaps if you ask the vaguely honey-flavored brick of taffy nicely it will allow you to have them back.
2. Strawberry Hard Candy
Loved by grandmothers and great-aunts everywhere, strawberry hard candy is a popular staple of nursing homes and other depressing places worldwide. Always partially-wrapped and melted to the packaging, they look and taste a lot like a throat lozenges, but have pretty much the opposite effect: instead of clearing up your throat, they’ll coat it with a nice film of saccharine sludge that’ll ensure that everything you eat tastes like strawberry for at least the next three days. Maybe this is why nobody visits you anymore, Grandma.
1. Circus Peanuts
All the fun of marshmallows minus their soft texture, gooey insides, and pretty much everything else that makes a marshmallow a marshmallow, circus peanuts are the Halloween candy that says “What do you expect for free? Now get the hell off my porch.” It is a scientific fact that circus peanuts are always stale by the time they get to you, but the risk of chipping a tooth is simply a part of their charm.
Like all terrible candy, circus peanuts come disguised as a different type of food altogether (can you guess what that food is?). I like to think this is for the perverse enjoyment of the candy’s creators, who get their sick jollies from duping poor saps who think they’re about to bite into an actual (you guessed it!) peanut.
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