Congratulations! You survived another college weekend! Now it’s Sunday, you’re hungover, and a pile of procrastinated work awaits you’re half-hearted effort. Here is how your past Sunday unfolded, and how every Fall Sunday will proceed for your undergraduate life.
11:30 AM: Bleary-eyed regret encompasses the first breath of the day. You’re as lucky to be alive as you are embarrassed by those 13 “heeyyyyyyyy” texts sent to six different people of the opposite sex. Needless to say, nobody responded. Also, you blew through $60 when you budgeted yourself $10.
Noon: The deepest depths of your true-being are found when sitting on the toilet bowl, naked, and trying everything in your power not to vomit. This time will also include the first of three talks with yourself about “Getting your life together” and “Not being such a waste of life.”
12:30 PM: Shower. Just shower. Shower for what seems like days. Vomit into the shower-drain because college has taught you to be resourceful.
1:00 PM: Time for breakfast/lunch/brunch/gossip/Mad-Libs!
Male Version: Damn man, I got way too_________ (synonym for drunk) last night. I can’t believe I lost ________(Best friend’s name) for two hours last night, but then I found him at ______ (Late night drunk-eating place). I can’t believe I made out with _______ (skank’s name) because she is _______ (synonym for ugly). Wish I remembered that party, but that’s what happens when you get two 30s of_______ (What your school calls Natural Light) and two handles of _________ (Cheap liquor your school loves). Whatever though. Can’t wait to do it again on _________ !(Tuesday, Wednesday Thursday, Friday or Saturday)
*Female Version: BETCH! How much of a _______ (synonym for creep) was that guy last night? I mean, I think he was a ________(synonym for creep). I was so ________ (synonym for drunk, (probably “wasted”)) from ripping too many shots of _______(Cheap liquor your school loves). God, I’m so sick of ______ (plural synonym for creep) and how this school is overrun with so many _______ (plural synonym for creep).
*For the female version, there are a limitless number of times to acceptably use the term creep.
2:00 PM: Gym? Nahhhhhh.
2:30 PM: See you in hell jeans! Go kill yourself khakis! HELLLLOOOO sweatpants and gym shorts.
3:00 PM: Should probably start work.
3:30 PM: Should probably start work.
4:00 PM: END OF FOOTBALL GAME!!!
4:30 PM: Should probably start work.
5:00 PM: I have plenty of time to do work! Shit, I’ll do it at the library! Yes, that’s the plan. Tonight, I will go to the library, where I will be focused and attentive thanks to an atmosphere of knowledge and learning. Can’t wait to go to the library!
5:30 PM-6:30 PM: Time to nap, because you earned it. Nobody drank like an asshole quite like you did. Nobody ate with such disregard for their body quite like you did. Nap you beautiful bastard. Nap.
7:00 PM: I can’t go to the library. IT’S RAINING! Plus, END OF FOOTBALL GAME!!!
7:30 PM: You haven’t moved in eight hours and you snacked on everything from Doritos to drunk leftovers. Exercise was never an option today. Time for talk #2 regarding your life’s well-being.
8:00 PM: Enough of the nonsense. It’s time to sit on my bed, plug in the headphones, and rip through six chapters of exercise science reading and a four page paper on the ossification of metacarpals. Make the parents proud, do your work, and make Dean’s List.
8:30 PM: So maybe I don’t have to read all six chapters….
9:00 PM: And the professor will definitely accept the paper, even if I don’t make it to four pages…
9:30 PM: Let’s not forget, C’s get degrees. C’s…. get degrees…
10:00 PM-11:00 PM:
11:30 PM: Screw that assigned reading! You’ll be lucky to see any of that material on the test anyway! And that paper? Your best buddy’s brother’s girlfriend took the same exercise science class five years ago with the same professor! Move a couple words here… Move a couple words there… and BINGO! That’s some B- material if I’ve ever seen it! Also, END OF FOOTBALL GAME!!!
Midnight: You were hungover. You produced no original content of your own. You watched enough football to give yourself a concussion. And you ate everything in sight… CONGRATULATIONS! You survived another Fall Sunday at college. Now get your life together before your parents find out how big a piece of shit you really are.