It is that time of the year again. As the days grow shorter and the morning dew turns to frost, it is clear that fall will soon be upon us. For many of us, the coming of fall brings to mind fond memories: the sensation of chilled autumn air in the back of our throats, the dry crunch of leaves beneath our feet, perhaps even the sandpapery chafe of nipples—hard and cold as ice—beneath our undershirts. But for many of us college students, fall means one thing and one thing only: Hallo-fuckin’-ween. And in turn, Halloween itself also means one thing and one thing only: bitchin’ costumes.
Now, for all the ladies out there who are planning on (as the French say) “slutting it up” this Halloween, I would like to personally encourage you to do just that. For some of you, this may be the one night of the year you feel truly comfortable donning your sexiest and most outlandish outfits. For others, this may be business as usual. Who am I to judge? I am but a mere observer, casually scrolling through your Facebook photos and silently judging you.
Anyway, although the willingness to brave a cold October night wearing little more than what God (or not-God, if you’re an atheist) gave you is a truly admirable quality and indicative of a highly creative and interesting individual whom I’d like to maybe grab a coffee or something with sometime, not all slutty Halloween costumes are made equal. So as you gear up for All Hallows Eve, or “Drunken Pumpkin Candy Sex Night” as I like to call it, remember what the skeleton covered in Silly Putty (otherwise known as Heidi Klum) says on Project Runway: “you are either in, or you’re out.”
The following is a list of slutty Halloween costumes that are sooo OUT this year.
Now I like eating as much as the next somewhat overweight guy, but I’m going to come right out and say it: food is not sexy. Despite what The Food Network desperately wants you to believe, there is nothing hot about a cupcake, and nobody who isn’t a complete psychopath has ever been turned on by an ear of corn.
At best, your sexy hot dog costume is just making me hungry. At worst, it’s making me never want to eat one again, because the next time I see one all I’ll be able to imagine is a hot dog that’s inexplicably grown legs and a face, staring silently up at me, begging me not to eat it. And I like my hot dogs. I don’t need a moral crisis every time I go to eat one. Please don’t ruin them for me.
Try a drink-themed costume. Unlike food, drinks can be sexy. A ton of them even have “sex” in the name. For example, grab a sarong, a towel, and a plastic cup with a little umbrella and be a Sex on the Beach. Or dye your hair red and be a Red-Headed…you get the picture. Bonus points if you’re actually drinking your costume’s namesake.
Slutty Children’s Costumes
Hey, remember the shows you watched when you were a kid? The books you read? The videogames you played? Remember how none of those things were even remotely sexual at all? Well, thanks to advancements in the scientific field of destroying your childhood memories, you can now feast your eyes on a sexy Cat in the Hat, a seductive Spongebob, or a well-endowed Mario.
The problem with these costumes is that everyone knows who these characters are, or rather who they’re supposed to be, and almost nobody wants them to be sexy. We have Minnie Mouse and Winnie the Pooh tucked away in a special, innocent part of our minds, where they belong. Seeing them mixed together with sexuality opens up a whole new can of worms in our fragile little brains. I don’t want to be attracted to Burt from Sesame Street, but with that kind of costume you’re somewhat forcing me to be, and that fills my head with confusing thoughts.
In the end, I can’t tell which is more disturbing: the thought that a pretty girl has skinned big bird and is wearing his decapitated head like a tiara, or the fact that I’m just a little turned on by it.
Try a sexy version of a character most of us are familiar with from our early teenage years. It won’t be confusing, and it may even rekindle some old attractions. Think like a sexy Daria, or Topanga from Boy Meets World.
Slutty Male Superheroes
I want to preface this by saying I’m not telling you to not dress up as a superhero. You really can’t go wrong with a nice superhero costume, and you certainly look a bit more unique than the plethora of sexy nurses, cat-girls, and Tom Cruises from Risky Business (if you don’t get what I mean, Google it. It’s the laziest excuse for a costume ever). But please, for the sake of my fragile little mind, don’t go as some weird, cross-dressing female version of a burly, he-man superhero.
Now you may notice that I didn’t include Superman or Batman among the pictured costumes, because I know that there’s a Supergirl and a Batgirl, both of whom are totally fine to go as. All of the superheroes shown above are objectively male. Hell, Iron Man has “man” right in the name. And Robin is “The Boy Wonder,” after all.
You see, the problem with dressing up as a sexy male superhero is similar to the problem with dressing up as a sexy children’s character: people already have an image of what you’re trying to be in their head, and you’re seriously messing with it. Now if messing with people’s heads is your game, then by all means, go for it. Mindfuck ‘em. But if that’s not what you’re going for, then know that it is extremely distracting to see Thor with such defined cleavage.
And it’s not like there aren’t a million female superheroes to choose from. Besides, Wonder Woman is way cooler than the fucking Flash.
Just choose a female superhero. Please.
Slutty Racial Stereotypes
Please don’t think I’m just picking on girls here; guys are about 1000% more likely to dress up in a racist, offensive Halloween costume. I may have even done it myself once or thrice. As far as racist costumes go, most of these aren’t even that horrendous.
The real problem with dressing up as a sexy racial stereotype is that it’s just plain uncreative. This is Halloween, a holiday where you can dress up as fucking anything. Want to make a statement about American economics by dressing up as a literal representation of the Federal debt-ceiling? Go for it. Want to make a statement about how batshit crazy you are by dressing up as a space shuttle made out of gummy bears? Go for it. What about a sexy space shuttle made out of gummy bears? Holy shit go for it.
You’re really only limited by your own creativity, of which you have approximately none if you choose to dress up as some stupid, stereotypical representation of a group of boring ol’ people. After all, if any of us want to see a Mexican, there’s a big honkin’ country full of ‘em just South of here.
Make up some sort of weird alien race, then stereotype the shit out of them. Perhaps the Glaxons from Epsilon Eridani just like sitting around on their Glorps all day and listening to Plax music. Or something like that. On second thought, no. Don’t do that. That’s weird as hell. Forget I said anything.
Ladies! Please don’t take any of what I’ve said seriously. Dress up as whatever you want for Halloween. I won’t judge, I promise. These are just the sleep-deprived rantings of a lunatic who really can’t believe that it’s already 7 AM. Over and out.
Category: Party Solutions