No, this isn’t your traditional beer Olympics in which individual drinkers compete in a variety of drinking games. This is far more serious than that. We take the best beer producing and drinking countries and pit them against each other to go for the overall gold medal in beer. To do so, I’ll compile each country’s best known beers and list their amount of beer drank (in liters) per capita, then just make up the results as I go along. Without further ado, the contestants:
- Hallmark beers: Becks, Spaten, Paulaner.
- Annual liters per capita: 107
- Germany enters the beer Olympics as a perennial beer powerhouse. Home to Oktoberfest, beer is as much a part of German (or more specifically Bavarian) culture as bratwurst and funny accents. They post a very solid liters per capita score, and though their hallmark beers aren’t earth-shattering, they are relatively high quality. A medal contender if their ever was one.
- Hallmark beers: Corona, Negra Modelo, Dos Equis, Pacifico.
- Annual liters per capita: 57
- Mexico boasts a plethora of hallmark beers, including Corona (a huge hit in the US and Europe) and the more high-quality Negra Modelo and Pacifico. A disappointing liters per capita score, however, puts a ceiling on their beer Olympics potential here. They may just be four years away from true medal contention. Perhaps pooling some of their tequila prowess into brews could give them the added kick they need. It should be noted that they do possess “the most interesting man in the world” in their corner, so never count them out.
- Hallmark beers: Stella Artois, Duvel, Leffe, Budweiser.
- Annual liters per capita: 78
- Known for its strong beers, Belgium enters the pub as a trendy pick for the gold. Where Germany takes a no-nonsense approach towards beer, the Belgians are more artful, adding exotic flavors to improve the flavor of their beers. Even monks are famed for making beer in Belgium, which speaks to their culture of brew swilling. Their liters per capita score is solid for such a small country, and the Belgians want it to be known that the number could be far higher if they were drinking “wimpy”, low alcohol level beers like the others. The hallmark beers that call Belgium home ensure they are a force to be reckoned with as well. Not a country to be taken lightly.
- BREAKING NEWS: Despite America’s best efforts to forget, the Belgians once again reminded the world that they own Budweiser. InBev bought the brand from Anheuser-Busch years ago, causing the biggest drama of the qualifying stage. Is Budweiser a Belgian or an American beer now? The Olympic Committee (me) decided that both countries can claim it for now.
- Hallmark beers: Sagres (from Portugal)
- Annual liters per capita: 53
- In an upset over South Africa in the African qualifying stage, Angola enters as a heavy underdog. With no hallmark beers to speak of, Portugal was guilty enough over their former colonization of Angola that they borrowed them their most famous beer. No one is expecting a medal out of them though, but they should be proud of almost out-drinking Mexico. Maybe they could set a personal record here or something.
- Hallmark beers: Guinness, Harp Lager, Smithwicks.
- Annual liters per capita: 104
- Ireland and drinking are nearly synonymous. With heavy-hitter Guinness in their corner, they come in confident (and slightly buzzed). They nearly topple the mighty Germans in beer drinking, and their St. Patrick’s Day can go toe to toe with Oktoberfest any day. Just imagine if they devoted most of their time to beer, rather than whiskey. Scary potential here.
- Hallmark beers: Coors/Budweiser/Miller, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Plethora of microbrews.
- Annual liters per capita: 78
- The United States enters the Olympic pub belligerently mocking the host nation of England for their Revolutionary War mishap. Boasting the highest number of breweries of any country, the US looks to be banking on their quantity to overwhelm the competition. A solid liters per capita score gives confidence to USA’s medal fortunes.
- Hallmark beers: Labatt, Moosehead, Molson, Carling.
- Annual liters per capita: 68
- America’s drunken younger brother, Canada, boasts an impressive amount of hallmark beers. Their pride in their drinking prowess, however, is perhaps a bit inflated if you take their liters per capita score into account. When it’s freezing cold and you’re playing hockey all day, you sort of expect more from the Canadians. Apparently they can’t even drink right.
- Hallmark beers: None
- Annual liters per capita: 132
- The Czechs drink the most beer in the world, which you’d think would put them in contention, but no legitimate hallmark beer to speak of kills their hopes. They’re like that guy who brags about how much he can drink but never does anything cool like getting in a fight or crashing his car so no one cares.
- Hallmark beers: Heineken, Amstel, Grolsche.
- Annual liters per capita: 74
- The Dutch have huge hallmark beer potential, and drink a lot for a bunch of potheads. Otherwise they’re sort of ho-hum Olympians.
- Hallmark beers: Fuller’s, Newcastle, Bass.
- Annual liters per capita: 74
- The English got an automatic bid as host, and as hosts they know the quickest route to the bathroom at the pub and stuff. The English media has been talking up their chances, which have placed impossible expectations on the team. Like their soccer team, they’ll inevitably fall on their faces, probably when Newcastle
misses a penalty kickspills their beer at a critical moment.
Highly controversial decision in the medal rounds, as the Irish sat out in protest after the Guinness in the pub wasn’t prepared correctly. They sat in the corner drinking whiskey and moping as the Belgians took home the bronze. Despite an artful display of brewing, the Belgians’ golden hopes were dashed when they were adjudged to have gotten “too cute” with their beers, leading to an epic final showdown……….
In a match-up labeled “World War III”, ze Germans and the Americans squared off for the Olympic glory. In the deciding moment, the entire pub was at a standstill as beer team USA head coach Mel Gibson (clearly inebriated, but that should go without saying) gave a rousing, Braveheart-esque speech in favor of the red, white and blue. “We may not have the best beer. We are, after all, the home of Keystone Light. So we can’t make beer like the Belgians, so what? We don’t need any fruit beers. We don’t drink the most either, but when you consider that Utah isn’t anywhere near pulling their weight in that category, we do pretty good. So the Germans can drink circles around us, so what? You know what they don’t run circles around us at? World Wars. This is the World War of beer, and we DO NOT LOSE AT THOSE. Haven’t you guys seen Beerfest? We win every time. This is the most I’ve spoken in a long time without some sort of racial slur, so I’m gonna quit while I’m ahead. I’ll see you guys on the podium, we’ll be the ones on the top step looking down on you all. And that, ladies and gentlemen, was the deciding factor in the 2012 beer Olympics.
Gold: USA Do you believe in miracles? YES!
Category: Drinks and Jungle Juice