Have you ever thought to yourself, “This is bullshit. I need to be drinking FASTER”? Then chances are shotgunning beer could be right for you. But things were not always so simple. In the landmark 1956 study entitled “Examining of the Physical Limitations of Beer Consumption”, 81% of college students said they were somewhat disappointed or very disappointed with the standard 12 ounce beer can, citing the limitations it imposed on binge-drinking, blacking out, and fornication. It was earth-shattering evidence of a festering discontent among beer-drinkers – a discovery that threatened partying like never before. Beer drinkers around the world united under the common goal of transferring beer from can to stomach as fast as humanly possible. And so the shotgun method of beer consumption was born.
- Hold the beer horizontally (try and do it vertically, I dare you.)
- There is a small air bubble in every beer can. Tilt the beer slightly to bring the air bubble to the bottom. Punch a hole in the side of the can, near the bottom, using a key, knife, can-opener or any sharp object you have laying around the house.
- Make sure to push down the sharp edges of the hole you just made. This is where you will be drinking the beer from. You will look like an amateur if you slice your lips off trying to drink a beer.
- Place your mouth over the hole. Be sure that you make a complete seal – this prevents any of our precious nectar from spilling.
- Quickly bring the can into the upright position (as seen above). Immediately open your beer in the traditional fashion. Air will flow into the can from the top, and the beer will flow rapidly out the other side, which, if you have been following the instructions correctly, should be affixed to your mouth)
- Repeat steps 1-5.
- Optional steps include:
- Gathering a group of your fellow partygoers to scream obscenities at you while consuming
- Gathering a group of your fellow partygoers to scream encouragingly at you while consuming
- Not using beer at all, instead opting for an energy drink. A reckless decision, yes, but one that can elevate a night to an entirely new level
- Sack-tapping your friend while he is consuming (not recommended)
So, you have mastered the standard shotgun technique. What’s next, you ask? The truth is, your options are bound only by your creativity. To get the ball rolling, I have an excellent example of advanced shot-gunning. It does, however, require other prerequisite skills we strongly recommend having before attempting the two in concert.