11 Things To Do In The Campus Library That Aren’t Studying
Studying is for chumps. Here’s what the cool kids do when they’re forced to spend time in the campus torture dungeon/library.
1. Build a Book Fort
Use the heavier encyclopedias for the foundation, and floppy paperbacks for the arched entryway. Then defend your book fort to the death against any and all invaders, including librarians and campus police.
Who knew books could be so much fun?
2. Appoint Yourself Librarian-In-Training
Toss on a pair of glasses and stalk around the library, scolding anyone who makes even the slightest noise and ironically being louder than they ever were in doing so. If an actual librarian happens to see this, ask him or her if you did well and if this means they’re going to bring you up to the big leagues.
Beneath all that sex appeal, she’s really just a girl with a passion for the Dewey Decimal System.
3. Represent your political views by rearranging the books in the Fiction and Nonfiction sections.
Dislike evolution? Believe that JFK never actually existed? Now’s your chance to show the world just how batshit crazy you are.
“I know what you’re thinking, and the answer is yes: we do drink our own bodily fluids to stay alive. It’s the only way to keep the fluoride in the water from turning us into reptilians.”
4. Play “The Ground is Lava” with all the furniture.
If you get trapped, remember that you can always use books as stepping stones to get from one place to another. Also, those long tables with the little green lamps on them make excellent jumping and landing strips.
This woman is smiling because she was prepared. How will you react when the ground suddenly turns to lava?
5. Make a book safe and stash your valuables.
This one will require a little time and privacy, as the local library Gestapo won’t be too pleased if they catch you carving open Economics 101. Make sure you’re at least going to stash guns, drugs, or alcohol in your book safe. Otherwise, what’s the point?
“What’s the big deal? This is just for my car keys.”
6. Impress chicks by pretending to read a really artsy book.
Bonus points if you’re wearing a pair of hard-rimmed glasses and/or a fedora.
“How could she just walk by me and pretend like she’s not interested? Doesn’t she know I’m reading Dostoyevsky?”
7. Practice the art of miming.
Preferably right behind people who are studying, because if there’s one thing that busy people love, it’s mimes who aren’t afraid to invade their personal space.
“Ow…my balls…” is what Jerry would’ve said, if he wasn’t a fucking mime.
8. Scoff indignantly at how mainstream the Rare Books section is getting.
Ugh,Ancient Greek poetry? Renaissance literature? What am I going to find next, fucking Twilight?
I don’t really have any joke about Twilight that hasn’t already been said, but this girly-haired man looks like he wants to eat my face, so there’s that.
9. Print out the Bible.
No seriously, print out the entire Bible. Christian Freebies has an entirely open print Bible that you can print for free from any computer, thoroughly pissing off anyone running late who just needs to print out a page or two. If you really want to freak people out, type up a little note on the front page that says: “Hey there. Thought you might want to check this out, you know, before the accident. See you soon! – J.C.”
Is what they’ll say.
10. Force awkward conversations by deliberately reaching for a book at the exact same time as someone else.
Then try to out-polite them when they offer to let you have it, escalating into a full-on war of “No, you take it” versus “No really, it’s fine, you take it.” Let this go on for a minute or so, and then in your deepest and creepiest voice, growl “Take the fucking book.” Congratulations! You’re well on your way to becoming a psychopath.
Kind of like this, if you replaced the dogs with people and the innocent puppy love with crippling social anxiety.
11. Pretend you’re a used book salesman and try to sell the library its own books back at an inflated price.
But first, make sure you look the part. Sunglasses and a snappy plaid suit jacket are a must. Then get a handful of books, bring ‘em to the front counter, and claim that they “Fell off the back of a truck,” and that you’ll “give yous guys a real copacetic price for ‘em.” If that doesn’t work, try to subtly imply that something bad will happen to their kneecaps if they refuse.
“Tell you what, if you buy the book right now, I promise my cousin Dom will let you pick which leg he shatters with a baseball bat.”
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