Studying is for chumps. Here’s what the cool kids do when they’re forced to spend time in the campus torture dungeon/library.
1. Build a Book Fort
Use the heavier encyclopedias for the foundation, and floppy paperbacks for the arched entryway. Then defend your book fort to the death against any and all invaders, including librarians and campus police.
2. Appoint Yourself Librarian-In-Training
Toss on a pair of glasses and stalk around the library, scolding anyone who makes even the slightest noise and ironically being louder than they ever were in doing so. If an actual librarian happens to see this, ask him or her if you did well and if this means they’re going to bring you up to the big leagues.
3. Represent your political views by rearranging the books in the Fiction and Nonfiction sections.
Dislike evolution? Believe that JFK never actually existed? Now’s your chance to show the world just how batshit crazy you are.
4. Play “The Ground is Lava” with all the furniture.
If you get trapped, remember that you can always use books as stepping stones to get from one place to another. Also, those long tables with the little green lamps on them make excellent jumping and landing strips.
5. Make a book safe and stash your valuables.
This one will require a little time and privacy, as the local library Gestapo won’t be too pleased if they catch you carving open Economics 101. Make sure you’re at least going to stash guns, drugs, or alcohol in your book safe. Otherwise, what’s the point?
6. Impress chicks by pretending to read a really artsy book.
Bonus points if you’re wearing a pair of hard-rimmed glasses and/or a fedora.
7. Practice the art of miming.
Preferably right behind people who are studying, because if there’s one thing that busy people love, it’s mimes who aren’t afraid to invade their personal space.
8. Scoff indignantly at how mainstream the Rare Books section is getting.
Ugh,Ancient Greek poetry? Renaissance literature? What am I going to find next, fucking Twilight?
9. Print out the Bible.
No seriously, print out the entire Bible. Christian Freebies has an entirely open print Bible that you can print for free from any computer, thoroughly pissing off anyone running late who just needs to print out a page or two. If you really want to freak people out, type up a little note on the front page that says: “Hey there. Thought you might want to check this out, you know, before the accident. See you soon! – J.C.”
10. Force awkward conversations by deliberately reaching for a book at the exact same time as someone else.
Then try to out-polite them when they offer to let you have it, escalating into a full-on war of “No, you take it” versus “No really, it’s fine, you take it.” Let this go on for a minute or so, and then in your deepest and creepiest voice, growl “Take the fucking book.” Congratulations! You’re well on your way to becoming a psychopath.
11. Pretend you’re a used book salesman and try to sell the library its own books back at an inflated price.
But first, make sure you look the part. Sunglasses and a snappy plaid suit jacket are a must. Then get a handful of books, bring ‘em to the front counter, and claim that they “Fell off the back of a truck,” and that you’ll “give yous guys a real copacetic price for ‘em.” If that doesn’t work, try to subtly imply that something bad will happen to their kneecaps if they refuse.
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