It’s Saturday night, and you’re still too hung-over to move from the night before. All you want to do is wear pajamas and crawl into bed and die. Unfortunately, you woke up at three in the afternoon and there’s no way you’re going to bed anytime soon.
The Campus Companion proudly presents 10 Classes of Awesomely Bad Movies. Although, quite frankly, at this point you’re probably so far gone that you might just genuinely enjoy these movies in their own right:
1. The Twilight Saga: To this day, I can’t understand how this abortion of a series blew up the way it did. In any case, these movies are terrific to watch when you’re at a low point in your life. I mean who doesn’t have a smirk on their face when they hear “You’d better hold on tight, spider monkey” and “It’s like you’re my own personal brand of heroin”?
2. The 2012 Trifecta: 2012 is known as the year the Mayan calendar ends, and I wouldn’t be surprised with movies like John Carter, Rock of Ages, and Premium Rush. John Carter is basically Prince of Persia if Prince of Persia was set on Mars and had a creepy child serving as the frame narrator. Rock of Ages is a classic example of Hollywood fruitlessly trying to convert a musical, an inherently cheesy medium, into something meaningful for the masses. Premium Rush has a lot of great biking-through-New York action sequences, even though the story is lacking. If you’re head is pounding too much, watch this movie on mute.
3. The Taylor Kitsch Trifecta: Really this could be its own 2012 Trifecta. Riggins had a lot of trouble making it on the big screen this year. John Carter, Battleship, and Savages should have been blockbuster successes with the amount of hype and PR surrounding them. Alas, each bombed in its own unique way, and I’m fairly certain Taylor probably owes the studios some money for the losses.
4. The Modern Shakespeare: During my senior year, I had to take a Shakespeare class to finish up my major. Because I am a huge nerd, I would watch the modern versions after I finished up a major paper. The Luhrmann Romeo + Juliet, 10 Things I Hate About You, O, and She’s the Man will make you chuckle as you see a young Leo, Channing, JGL, and Heath (R.I.P.). It will also make you wax poetic about the awesomely bad “comebacks” of the 90s and early aughts.
5. The 1980s: Hair and music. Hair and music. If you don’t tease your hair and start humming “She’s Like the Wind” after watching these flicks, you’re just not human. Pretty in Pink, Sixteen Candles, Dirty Dancing, and Footloose. Nobody puts Baby in the corner.
6. The McConaughey Anthology: Matthew McConaughey might be a somewhat respectable person now that he has gotten hitched, but it doesn’t change the fact that he’s a totally emotionally stunted character in almost every movie. The only thing that ever changes is his hair. See Ghosts of Girlfriends Past, Failure to Launch, The Wedding Planner, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, and, of course, Magic Mike for details.
7. The Classic Chick-Flick: Who doesn’t love improbable romance, especially after you find out the jerk you were dating had a girl/guy on the side? To believe in love again or to mock it mercilessly, check out While You Were Sleeping, You’ve Got Mail, and Sleepless in Seattle.
8. Sub-par Superhero Flicks: These movies are definitely borderline between awesomely bad and just plain bad. Some of you may even relapse into drinking after watching these. You would think that the combination of Will Smith and Charlize Theron would make for a well-oiled machine of a movie, but Hancock proved otherwise. According to IMDB, Hancock 2 is currently in the works, but honestly, it probably can only get better. Spiderman 3 deserves mention because it proved to the world what I had been saying since film one—Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst have horrible chemistry and can’t act. Honorable mentions go to the Green Lantern, Hulk the first, Captain America, and Fantastic Four.
9. Nicholas Sparks: The Notebook is always the first one that comes to mind, but people often overlook A Walk to Remember, Dear John, and The Last Song. Incidentally, the only time I’ve ever seen Nicholas Sparks’s movies were on international flights to and from Asia. I don’t know what the correlation is, but I’m sure it’s there somewhere.
10. International Love: CAUTION: This is for the adventurous global citizen. Sometimes nothing kills a movie more than trying to create an international context. Bride and Prejudice and Go LaLa Go! accomplish this with amazing finesse.