7 Beers And The Wild Conclusions I’ll Make about You If You Drink Them
If there’s one gift I have, it’s being able to make wild conclusions about people simply by the beer they have in their hand. Here are seven examples of this.
Stella Artois
The classy looking bottle, the chalice it’s supposed to be drank in; Stella has a reputation in the United States as being a pricey, high quality beer. Of course, the opposite is true in its country of origin. Stella is known in Belgium as being a run-of-the-mill beer, not particularly inspiring or expensive. When introduced in England, it quickly became known as the “wife beater” because of its cheap price and high alcohol content leading to wily behavior. The public relations department did their homework when bringing it to the states, however, and convinced us Americans that this was a classy foreign beer. And of course, we bought it (literally and figuratively).
What this beer tells me about you: You’re desperately trying to be classy, but like the beer, failing. You can spend premium prices on run-of-the-mill products all you want, but you should know that a Belgian shopkeeper famously described Stella as ‘a beer fit for old peasants (in Belgium).’ He went on to say that ‘Americans must be insane’ for paying such exorbitant prices for it. Disregard those smug Belgians all you want, but that’s scathing.
Coors/Budweiser/Miller
Similar to the Miami Heat’s big three, this big three is either intensely reviled or loved. Their “macro-brew” status makes beer snobs go into hateful convulsions while it’s loyal drinkership (this should be a word) drinks it even more out of spite for those condescending “beer connoisseurs.”
What this beer tells me about you: Though perhaps not the most adventurous with your beer choice, you’re loyal to your brand. Similar to Pepsi or Coke, you would defend your choice to any and all challengers. Often times this choice is passed down from generation to generation, meaning your choice has a family aspect to it as well.
Blue Moon
Maybe it’s because my local bar doesn’t count Blue Moon as a domestic, even though it’s a Coors product, but I resent Blue Moon. Whether it tries to or not, it tricks people into thinking it’s something it’s not.
What this beer tells me about you: You’re trying to hide something, or be someone you’re not. Just like Blue Moon, which tastes good and looks cool, but is trying to keep the fact that it’s not actually a Belgian beer from you.
PBR
Formerly a blue collar drink of choice that won some awards back in the 1800s, the hipsters embraced the sharp looking red, white and blue can, calling it their own. Maybe it’s become too “mainstream,” but it does appear to have been slightly abandoned by the hipster movement. Maybe they moved on to Schlitz (I assume they’ll continue to look towards Milwaukee for their ironic beer choices for some reason).
What this beer tells me about you: This is something like the post modern era for PBR, so if you’re drinking it now you probably picked up on it once the hipsters abandoned it, thinking it’s even cooler now that they don’t like it. Or maybe it was just really cheap at the bar. I clearly don’t judge.
Keystone Light
An abomination to all humankind, Keystone is a Coors product, and I’m still waiting for an apology from them for unleashing this on the masses. They almost go out of their way not to be respected, what with the hillbilly mascot Keith Stone and all. Still, pricing your beer at $12 for a 30 pack ensures that some idiots will always buy your swill.
What this beer tells me about you: You’re the kind of person who shouldn’t be made fun of. After all, you clearly damaged your taste buds as a youth, probably when you licked the stove for too long, and we shouldn’t make fun of the disabled. Have some respect for yourself, spend a couple dollars more and get some Busch Light or something.
Corona
Corona is often complemented with a lime, because it tastes pretty bad going solo. There are plenty of good Mexican beers, but for some reason this one has caught on more than the others.
What this beer tells me about you: You’re that person in the friend circle who no one wants to hang out with alone. Everyone has that person in their friend circle who’s great to hang out with if you’re both in a big group, but you’d never want to just chill with alone. Maybe they just thrive in crowds, but Corona is their perfect beer because it sucks on its own too. It needs that lime just like that person needs a crowd to be bearable.
Oranjeboom
I have no idea if anyone actually drinks this beer besides me, but they should. I drank it a lot while studying abroad in Europe, but it can apparently be found at Trader Joe’s. It spawned this commercial back in the 60s, which can only be described as amazing.
What this beer tells me about you: You’re awesome. Go buy some of the Boom and be cool like me.
