I’ll say outright that I haven’t yet been to a high school reunion. Having graduated in 2009, that should come as no surprise. Who needs reunions when you haven’t yet forgotten how much you disliked each other, right? My all-class reunion coming up in August, however, presents a unique opportunity to imagine who I might find at my high school reunion. The following are the archetypes I imagine I’ll find, and you could likely expect to find at your first high school reunion, and where they’ll end up at the end of the night.
The Hottie Who Let Themselves Go
Remember that hot girl from high school who you hooked up with twice, but never really stayed in touch with since? Well they’ve changed, and not for the better. Their freshmen 15 gave way to a sophomore 30 and so on. They are now a bloated mess, having long since given up the will to look up to their potential. The sad part is that you can still see their old selves somewhere deep down underneath the rolls you mistook for a Jabba the Hut suit.
By the end of the night: They will have a few too many drinks and try to make a pass at you, thinking it’s just like old times. You’ll soon have to break them the news that old times were about 100 pounds ago.
The Pregnant Girl
You can almost always point out the girls who will get pregnant in or soon after high school. It’s just a matter of time, which is why pregnant betting pools are so fun. This girl can either be a train wreck who you shudder to think of as a mother, or grown surprisingly responsible in her maturity, there’s no in between.
By the end of the night: She will either have gone home already or be the talk of the reunion for that second glass of wine she had.
The Person Living In The Past
This person never quite left high school. They’re the ones who will look back on the years walking the halls of good ole Varsity High as the ‘best years of their lives,’ having probably never been to college. It may be athletic achievements that they’ll never match or all the “killer babes” they bagged, but like a retired professional athlete, they long for their past glory to this day.
By the end of the night: They will have drank too much, and started in on their recollection (to no one in particular) of the homecoming game in which they got 30 tackles, 5 touchdowns and 400 yards rushing (10, 2 and 150 respectively, in reality, but the numbers grow with the years).
The Person Who Couldn’t Be Pried From Home
This is the person who no one has actually ever seen leave your hometown. They’re rooted to it like a tree, unwilling to leave even for a second. “Who cares about Paris?,” they might say, “we’ve got a tower right here (a water tower, that is).”
By the end of the night: They have begun to slightly show their discontent for all the “city slickers” who came back for the reunion even though they clearly think they’re “too good for their hometown.”
The Jerk (Who’s Still A Jerk)
This is the person who made life a living hell for everyone else in high school. They only ever thought of themselves, and never thought they needed friends. You come into the reunion with an open mind, but shortly into your conversation you realize they’re still the same awful person they always were, without any capacity to change.
By the end of the night: They have likely made it clear that they still don’t have any friends, because money is all they need. They drove to the reunion in a nice car to show off, and they’re more financially successful than you will ever be.
The Jerk (Who Changed)
Maybe this person used to be an old pseudo friend of “the jerk who’s still a jerk”, but unlike his buddy, he’s changed. They were just as much of a little devil as their former confidant, but at some point life bit them on the ass and they realized how to be a decent human being. They will come into the reunion hoping for a clean slate, and for the most part people will give them that, with some initial shock at how nice they are being.
By the end of the night: They will have made everyone forget about their dickish past, likely by buying a few rounds.
Ugly duckling, diamond in the rough, call them what you want. They are the ones you never really looked at or thought of in high school, but time has turned them into the swan that everyone’s either jealous or lustful of.
By the end of the night: They will be beaming at the added attention, and advances brought upon them. Maybe they’ll take their pick, or maybe they’ll remember how none of those seeking them now gave them the time of day in high school.
The Married One
Despite all the fun that can be had in the years after high school, this person instead decided to settle down and get hitched, effectively renouncing their years of prime. They brought their spouse, so you can’t laugh about that embarrassing story from their past with them.
By the end of the night: They will probably have left early with their spouse, laughing about how immature the rest of the class is.