I have a habit of asking new acquaintances about their favorite movie. It’s not that I’m a film buff, but it tends to give me a better picture of who they are as a person and clues me in to what we have in common. If I’m going on a date with you, then you better bet I’m going to pop the film question. That cute guy from work? His favorite movie better not be anything starring Jim Carrey. Here are eight ‘favorite’ movies that will ensure you don’t have a chance at a second date.
Yes, this movie is hilarious, and yes, I can quote just about all of it. But if it’s your favorite movie, all I’m ever going to see when I look at you is an obnoxious high school guy who actually thinks getting me drunk at a party is going to work out as well for him as it did for McLovin.
2. A Christmas Story
I’m sure this movie lives up to all the hype it gets when it’s featured as some 24-hour marathon on Christmas day or whatever, but I’ve still never seen it and I still don’t want to hear about what a great movie it is… or how terrible of a person I am for never having seen it. I really, really don’t.
If you’re going to make me watch a Michael Bay film with you, please let it be Pearl Harbor so I can at least enjoy Josh Hartnett in a uniform. I will not, under any circumstances, love watching a bunch of toys fight each other while Megan Fox struts around dripping with overdone Hollywood sexuality and too much eyeliner. Maybe I’m just jealous, but I’m not going to do it.
4. Any “Fast and Furious” Movie
Oh, you love fast cars? Oh, you love scantily clad tan and/or Asian women? Oh, you like reckless driving? Yes, I’d love to have your babies. But seriously, any guy who claims one of these movies is his favorite is bound to, at some point, get too drunk off of Jägerbombs and embarrass the hell out of you. This, too, goes for any other Vin Diesel film.
5. Any Nicolas Cage Movie
Sorry, Nick, but you’re the Nickelback of actors, and I just can’t have a boyfriend who watches you unironically.
6. The Rocky Horror Picture Show
In the words of a dear friend, it’s “pretentious art house crap.” And it’s weird. And it makes me, and probably most other people, feel uncomfortable. It’s not that I have anything against the film per se, it’s just I have a feeling you’ve pretended to have sex in front of a live audience, and I just can’t be with you.
7. Nacho Libre
If you find Jack Black parading around in a cape and tights more entertaining than anything else you’ve ever seen, we’re going to run out of things to talk about real fast. I’m sure it has it’s redeeming comedic factors, but…
8. Star Wars Episode I
If I have learned anything of value from guys who nerd out over Star Wars, it’s that no guy worth my time is going to pick Episode I as his favorite. Just don’t blame me if I take a fake emergency phone call half-way through dinner after you tell me Jar Jar Binks was your favorite character.