Pillows are for Losers: Seven Places to Pass Out on a College Campus
Number Seven: Barstool
I suppose that last final would’ve been hard, had it not been for your six Red Bulls, four Monsters, two black coffees, and one beautiful sunrise. You’re a ticking sleep bomb of adrenaline, energy drinks and coffee breath, but DAMNIT if you don’t celebrate the conclusion of another semester. Please, grab your favorite seat at the bar, order a beer, press your palm against your forehead, and hate your professor for turning you into a catatonic zombie on the last day of the semester.
Number Six: The Campus Green
Fuck that walk back to your dorm! You’ll be damned if you don’t greet the grass with your face! If campus police gives you any shit, just ask “Who pays for this grass to be maintained?” And then, when they take you away to sleep in the drunk tank, you will thank them in the morning for preventing you from sleeping where those Frisbee weirdoes run around barefoot. Cops are people too, and they hate Frisbee weirdoes just as much as you do.
Number Five: Buddy’s Couch
You don’t know when your buddy got the entire Rocket Power DVD Box Set, but you’ll be dead and buried before you miss that episode where Otto goes surfing during that hurricane and Raymundo has to save him. (Writing checks. Butt can’t cash. Etc.) So what if you’re drunk and have a group meeting in six hours; you and your buddy are going to reminisce about high school, eat Little Ceaser’s and pass out with a half finished Bud Ice. College is the buddy’s couch. The buddy’s couch is college.
Number Four: Library Chair
Go ahead and make fun of the Asian students for staying at the library 24/7. They’re not the ones in danger of failing two classes, thus having to email their professors with weak excuses about why they need certain grades, and then have to plead with student financial services to keep their scholarships because I WAS JUST A FRESHMAN AND DIDN’T KNOW ANY BETTER BECAUSE I WAS A FRESHMAN! … Long story short: Library chairs are sneaky comfortable.
Number Three: Not Your Bed
“Oh my God… Fucking….Jesus…(Breathe)…Alright, I was at the bar…. Threw up…. Drank more…. Tried to fight the bouncer…. Left side of face hurts… Went to second bar… Drank more…. Fought bouncer…. Right side of face hurts… Ran into cute girl from organic chemistry at Little Ceaser’s…. Bought her a pizza…. She ate the entire pizza….Realized she wasn’t cute…. Didn’t care…. (Opens eyes)….Glad her mattress is queen sized…. Think I need a ginger ale, that was such an epic fail…. Katy Perry is the worst. ”
Number Two: Toilet
Sitting on toilet: Elbow to knee-Open palm to forehead-Pass out.
Head in toilet: Crumble onto knees-Persistent urge to vomit-Pass out waiting to vomit.
Also, there’s no college paparazzo quite like the toilet pass-out paparazzi. If you are thinking about running for president in forty years, stay away from the toilet pass-out. There will be at least 60 million pictures of the incident.
Number One: Your Bed
The nights you spend in your bed will be the most forgettable ones in your college career. Avoid it if possible, and make your friends happy by passing out on the toilet. EVERYBODY LOVES PEOPLE PASSING OUT ON THE TOILET!
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