Minutes before their owner was to go out for the night, three shirts had a conversation regarding who reigned supreme in the college closet hierarchy.
Brooks Brothers: Classic bar night guys, he’s definitely going with me.
Ralph Lauren (Polo): Yeah, but he’s going to see that girl from organic chemistry. My color matches her eyes. I even heard him preparing a joke or two about it.
Lacoste: Ahem, he’s on a hot streak with me guys. Two weeks in a row, two separate girls, two used condom wrappers thrown on top of me.
Brooks Brothers: You look a little stretched out after that second girl Lacoste. You must feel insulted to have been worn so that girl could use the bathroom… You know… since she…. was fat.
(Brooks Brothers and Polo laugh)
Lacoste: You guys do realize that Lacoste is a French brand of clothing? Paris = City of Love. Doesn’t matter if it’s fat love or skinny love.
Brooks Brothers: Trying to brag about your history, Lacoste? I’m a pure breed American, founded in 1818. Lincoln was having sex in me!
Polo: There goes Brooksy, bragging about having sex with Lincoln and being worn by dinosaurs. 1818 is a far way from 1967, when I was born on Madison Avenue.
Brooks Brothers: Regardless of when we were founded, I think we can all agree we’re better than every other clothing in the history of the world. This is the golden age! Enjoy it boys!
All Three: YEAH!
Brooks Brothers: Besides, he’s definitely going to pick me.
Polo: No, me!
Lacoste: No, ME!
(Shyly) Tommy Hilfiger: ….Maybe he’ll pick me.
(Silence, followed by uproarious laughter.)
Brooks Brothers: (Still laughing) You? A Tommy Hilfiger shirt? On a college campus? (Laughs) Hey Tommy! I think I hear an 8th grade dance down the road.
Lacoste: You are literally making me laugh so hard that I’m showing pit stains… And I can’t even perspire!
Polo: Tommy, don’t take this as an insult…. But you’re lame! You’re a nerd! You’re what the kids call, “uncool.” No right-minded 2012 college kid would wear you unless he planned on calling his mom for a ride while using his Motorola Razor.
Tommy Hilfiger: ….Razors aren’t cool anymore?
(All three laugh so hard they almost fall off their hangers)
Tommy Hilfiger: Well, what makes you three so cool?
Brooks Brothers: I smell like pussy.
Polo: I have molly residue on my collar.
Lacoste: I smell like pussy AND golf!
Tommy Hilfiger: … I guess those are pretty cool. But, what I’m asking is: What is it that makes you three the go-to brands in 2012? Why do college kids wear you guys every night they go out?
(The three shirts stare at each other, pondering a question they’ve never pondered. Partially because they are pieces of fabric, and partially because it never dawned on them to ask the “cool” question.)
Brooks Brothers: (Attempts to put arm around Tommy. Realizes he doesn’t have an arm. Starts speech anyway.) Listen, Tommy, I like you. If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t be here right now! You killed it back in middle school. Gave girls those feelings they couldn’t quite understand at that age. But now we’re here, to finish those feelings (Snickers).
Polo: You’re dealing with a 21st century type of girl now Tommy. Back in your day, it wasn’t the egotistical orgy that exists in 2012. From Facebook to Instagram to Twitter, this is a “Me” generation. There’s no time to get to know anybody….
Lacoste: (Continuing where Polo left off) So what’s the quickest way to know somebody?
(All three wait for an answer from Tommy)
All Three: (Simultaneously) NAME BRAND APPAREL!
Lacoste: Tommy, with us, it’s instant recognition of wealth, style, and being down to party. With you, it just brings back bad memories.
Tommy Hilfiger: Like what?
Brooks Brothers: (Bluntly) Wet dreams and acne.
Tommy Hilfiger: (Dissapointed) Oh….
Lacoste: Listen, Tommy, we love you. We owe you for covering up those awkward middle school erections. You know how cyclical fashion can be, right? Maybe one day, you’ll be hip and cool and crushing the American college scene.
Tommy Hilfiger: Yeah, I guess you’re right… Hey, aren’t you a French line of clothing? How are you so popular in America? I’m more American than you’ll ever be.
Lacoste: It’s just a little secret of mine… And if you tell anyone, I’ll cut your throat.
Tommy Hilfiger: (Gulp) Well, one day, you guys will realize how fickle the mind of a college student is. Nobody is an individual, everybody tries to blend into the crowd so they can get to know the rest of the crowd. One day, you guys will be looked upon as outdated and lame. When that day comes, Tommy will be here waiting, as retro and hip as Starter jackets.
Brooks Brothers: Whatever you say Tommy…. Whatever you say.
(The closet starts to rustle, and the owner selects the Tommy Hilfiger shirt)
Brooks Brothers: What the shit!?
Polo: Doesn’t he realize women love money! There’s a guy playing freakin’ polo on me! Who the hell plays polo!?
Tommy Hilfiger: Finally! Today! This will be the day where I lay on a dirty pink carpet, next to a dirty old pair of Uggs, and on top of the most beautiful pair of pastel booty shirts on this campus! Enjoy the closet boys!
(All three shirts crestfallenly sway, like a tire-swing drifts next to an abandoned house)
Brooks Brothers: Everything I’ve ever known….. Gone
Lacoste: Fuck this, I’m going back to France.
(The closet again swings open, this time with boat shoes being tossed haphazardly)
Polo: Sperry! What are you doing in here? You’ve been out every night since the Bush administration! Also, you fucking stink.
Sperry: I know I smell, but the amount of time it takes to break me in, then I hear stories of blisters and…
Brooks Brothers: Just tell me why you are in here Sperry!
Sperry: Oh, well, our owner is going on a “Used to Be Cool” bar crawl. Everybody is wearing shit they used to wear in middle school. I saw my old buddy K-Swiss, he looked good!
(All three exhale)
Sperry: I heard there was going to be a bonfire too! Apparently, this bar crawl is going to burn all their old shirts, symbolizing a past they want to forget. Looking to the future and all that nonsense.
Sperry: MAN! I really do stink! Anybody have some Odor Eaters?
Polo: Shut up Sperry. Just…. shut up.