A fourth year student at a University recently rediscovered the diary he kept throughout his freshman year of college. Filled with hope, fear, and disregard for morality, the fourth year student could not believe his incompetence. He passed along the diary to me, along with comments about his actions during the first week of college.
(Freshman Year) August 26th, 2009: Mom finally stopped crying and dad gave me his firmest handshake. I unpacked all my college accessories, but somewhere on the drive, I think I lost my innocence. Mom kissed me once on my forehead, called me her “special little guy”, and walked to the car, sobbing and lost in the speed of eighteen years. My dad said he was proud of the man I had become. He wished me luck, and away they drove.
All these emotions….. Melancholy, regret, separation, delight, excitement, bliss, Pumped, THRILLED, FUCKING COLLEGE, FOR THE LOVE OF HOLY FUCKING SHIT I AM ACTUALLY AT COLLEGE!
My RA has the biggest, bushiest beard and has already added me on Facebook. He even told me to stop by his room and tell him what I’m doing with my night! I’m excited to call him my first friend!
There’s a girl on my floor named Amanda, and she is super nice (a.k.a. HOT!). She EVEN rubbed my back when I helped move some things into her room! Think I might have my floor freshman hook-up on lockdown, and I’ve only been here four hours.
Fourth Year Reflecting on August 26th entry: My RA added me on Facebook because he wanted to impress his superiors by setting the record for most write-ups on the first night. I was the only freshman on the floor to accept his friend request, and he saw I was attending a pregame event with my roommate. After busting the entire floor for open containers, my RA patted me on the back and said “Thanks, friend.” Nobody spoke to me for a week. My perception of beards has never been the same.
(Freshman Year) August 28th, 2009: Amanda just told me she’s a virgin, and she’s afraid to lose it to somebody that doesn’t care. Good thing I’ve been watching Cathouse on HBO (SEX MOVES!) and reading the entire Nicholas Sparks library. Just dropped a couple Notebook quotes (If you’re a bird… I’m a bird FTW!), told her that she would know when the time was right, AND told her my door was always open. WOW… Me losing my V-Card to another virgin in the first week of college. COLLEGE OR DIE!
Fourth Year Reflecting on August 28th entry: ……..I was a big fucking idiot. The biggest fucking idiot, actually. Amanda started telling people about my use of Notebook quotes, and some girl said I could borrow her Ryan Gosling poster anytime I wanted. Also, I used to be scared of porn…… Yes, fuck me. Cathouse served as a gateway to it. I’ll have everybody know I am no longer scared of porn….. I SWEAR I AM NOT SCARED OF PORN!
(Freshman Year) September 1st entry: I just had sex! LIKE A BOSS! (Lonely Island, lolz) I texted Amanda and asked if she wanted to watch some Jay Sean videos, and she texted me back “”. When she knocked on my door, she seemed to be walking funny and asked if she could sit down. When I asked if she wanted to lay in my bed (SWISH!), she just started making out with me! THAT IS WHY YOU BUY THE ENTIRE SPARKS COLLECTION ON AUDIOBOOK! I almost JIZZED IN MY PANTS (Lonely Island, LOLZ) when she asked if I had a condom! Let’s just say I was prepared with the biggest box of latex legally sold in the United States. I would like to thank Costco for the condoms, Cathouse for the sweet moves I pulled, and Amanda for helping me put the condom on. She was awfully swift for a virgin, but whatever, glad to lose that damn V-Card.
Fourth Year Reflecting on September 1st entry: I was lucky to only catch Hepatitis C from Amanda.
(Freshman Year) September 3rd entry: Everybody finally started talking to me, but not for the reasons I liked. Some guys in the hall were bragging about their sexual conquests in the lounge, and I figured I would join in too….. Only problem was we were ALL talking about Amanda. That girl sure did a lot of back rubbing during move-in day, as we all admitted to being taken by the first attractive thing to give us attention/erections. Thirteen of us to be exact, each swearing by the lives of our mothers that we had sex with the purest virgin on campus. I was sixth in the sexual Mordorian conquest of Amanda, and 1st in line at student health.
Fourth Year reflecting on September 3rd entry: In hindsight, this was not the worst thing to happen in my college sex history. The first week of college is a maelstrom of horny, immature, drunk teenagers trying to stick their dicks into anything. Unfortunately, we all stuck our dicks in the same hole.
I made friends with each of the guys that had sex with Amanda while we waited in line at student health, and am glad to continue to call them my friends today…. Except for one guy, who died of AIDS! (But so too did Amanda, so you take the good with the bad.)