Just in case you break an extremity, slip into a coma, or only have a wardrobe of gray shirts, here is how the next three months will unfold. Every college undergraduate says they have the most genuine/exciting/ball-busting plans, but really, everybody is doing the same shit so we won’t have to think too hard when conversing in 100-degree temperatures.
You Will Hate Your Summer Job
Whether your summer job is hot and sweaty, inundated with Excel spreadsheets, or filled with middle-aged oddballs, you and all of your friends will revel in the misery of (slightly above) minimum wage. Adults will preach about how fortunate this opportunity is, but they don’t understand how horny, ignorant, and selfish you really are. The best beach days will be filled with double shifts, the coldest beers will be lost to unemployed assclowns, and the hottest women will continue to be jobless… Because they are hot.
NBA Finals Begin
Upon completion of a Lebron decimation, Pearl Jam will usher in the second era of Seattle grunge with an album titled “Thirty Five.”
Father’s Day/ U.S. Open Finale
Does anybody actually know how to celebrate Father’s Day? Mother’s Day is easy: Card with money, manicure/pedicure, afternoon doing her favorite recreational activity, and conclude with a “Males in the Kitchen” dinner. THANK YOU MOM FOR PASSING ME THROUGH YOUR VAGINA!
Father’s Day, however, is a slippery mistress. We need to go back to the way they wrote it up in the U.S. Constitution:
“We the people of the United States, in order to from a more perfect Union, establish all fathers must be shitfaced by two in the afternoon, wherein they will awake in time for the 16th, 17th and 18th holes of the U.S. Open with their favorite barbecued meats freshly prepared and ready for consumption.
Essentially, prepare for today like it’s a warm-up for the 4th of July: beer, BBQ, and drunk middle-aged men rocking to their favorite song that screams AMERICA.
Weekend of the 22nd
Beach BAYBEE (or pool)
Load up the coolers and forget the sunblock! It is beach weather BAYBEE! Laying out all-day, looking at all the (*Will Smith Lingo Alert*) tanned honeys, and recapturing a little bit of that campus energy. Who cares if you don’t know the age of the girls in their swimsuits, THIS IS BEACH WEEKEND AND YOU WILL OOGLE ALL YOU DAMN WELL PLEASE! In preparation for July 4th weekend, you will overdo the tanning, develop melanoma, and die….. In forty years. For now, however, you would insult your toned, tanned body if you didn’t load a condom into your wallet.
Weekend of the 29th
(Unofficially July 4th weekend)
Unfortunately, you forgot that the 4th of July lands on a Wednesday this year. Being the type of guy who can only get excited for holidays before they happen, you decide this is the weekend to flex your FREEDOM tan (i.e. peeling skin) like you’re a member of Seal Team Six. This is the only weekend of the summer where somebody can have impressive plans, so make the most of it, and don’t waste your time looking at fireworks.
(My disdain for fireworks exists solely from the ONE GUY that ALWAYS plays “Born in the U.S.A.” by Bruce Springsteen. That song contains the most anti-American lyrics of all time, yet politicians continue to use it while running for office, and that ONE GUY always plays it while the fireworks crescendo. If you have a sparkler handy, jam it in that ONE GUY’s outdated stereo system, punch him in the balls and high five all the people eagerly attempting to congratulate you.)
Bacon, bagels, beer, beach, seagulls, drinking, drunk, FIREWORKS, Freedom Fries, hamburgers, Nathan’s Hot Dog contest, sunblock, Will Smith, Budweiser, 1776, Neil Diamond, sparklers, HOT SAND, baseball, cornhole, swamp ass, jean shorts sighting, PALE SKIN EVERYWHERE, more hamburgers, more hot dogs, more sunburn, more beer, AND pass out.
(It would be un-American if you didn’t go into work hungover on Thursday the 5th. You weren’t going to do anything anyway, so you might as well get paid to do nothing at work.)
The Most Boring Day of Summer
There is not a single sporting event scheduled for Wednesday, July 11th. The melancholia of a bygone Independence Day will be soul crushing. SportsCenter will run numerous “My Wish” segments, and you will feel like an asshole for being jealous. UV rays will burn a bit longer, the sun will pass through the sky slower, and the ageless beauty of waves crashing on a beach will grow monotonous. (Just stay inside and watch a SpongeBob marathon.)
The Dark Knight Rises
Occasionally, I will ask myself: “What are the reasons that I cannot die today?” Over the past year, my brain has responded with:
- 1) The Mets have not won a World Series in your lifetime
- 2) The Mets have not thrown a no-hitter (SWISH!)
- 3) COLLEGE!
- 4) Sex
- 5) Drinking legally will be awesome! (It really is.)
- 6) Vegas
- 7) I need to see if Mount Rushmore actually exists.
- 8) Mad Men/Breaking Bad/Parks and Recreation/Archer/Game of Thrones
- 9) My mom’s day would probably be ruined
- 10) The Dark Knight Rises has not been released.
Upon entering the theatre to watch Rises, I fully expect to form unattainable expectations, bitch about the ending, then watch it again on HBO in 10 months and realize I was an idiot.
Opening Ceremonies of the 2012 Olympics in London
Nothing captures the imagination of the world like its most freakishly gifted athletes walking a circle and waving for 26 hours. Luckily, the Olympics is in London this year, so you won’t feel bad about the amount of forced labor that went into the opening dance numbers. Also, Daniel Craig will make an appearance as James Bond sometime during the ceremony. If Daniel Craig can’t get you hard for two and half weeks of Olympic action, then I don’t know who can. (Except maybe Pierce Brosnan. He was great in Mrs. Doubtfire.)
August 1 - 15
Nothing Will Happen and You Will Love It
These are the two most pointless weeks of the year. The events that will occur include:
- A three-day long heat wave that somehow gets hotter when an adult relative says “It sure is hot out today.”
- Your Netflix Instant will beg for mercy, yet you show no remorse in watching Arrested Development, Mad Men, Breaking Bad, Parks and Recreation, How I Met Your Mother, Workaholics, Malcolm in the Middle, Chappelle’s Show, Archer, Jumanji AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD FIGHT THE AMERICAN OBESITY EPIDEMIC AND GET UP!
- You will look at the calendar on August 2nd and say “It’s only August 2nd?!
- You will look at the calendar on August 7th and say “It’s only August 7th?!
- You will look at your calendar on August 13th and say “Shit, where did those past two weeks go?”
- You will see JUST enough obese people at the beach to make you look at your stomach, poke it, and question your physique/strength/lunch selection over the past two months.
- Your parents will ask you when you go back to school, and you will respond “I don’t go back for anothHOLY SHIT I GO BACK IN A FUCKING WEEK.
You begin to close out your summer by attending a baseball game with the family. Why did you ever stop coming to baseball games in the first place?! You love sitting next to the old man, bantering about this rag-tag group of misfits that have somehow stayed in contention all year and are now…… What’s that? Your team is 8 games back of the Wild Card? And your dad’s aching hemorrhoids are acting up again? And even at a baseball game, your younger brother is sexting his girlfriend even though they’re still in high school? And to top it all off, your dad refused to purchase food for you, insisting that you should stop acting like a “Pussy” and “Pay for our own shit” now that you are a “Man?” Jokes on you dad! A “Man” would never cry himself to sleep humming childhood nursery rhymes while his roommate has sex with the ex-girlfriend…
Return to the Promise Land
You will return to school and wonder how three months went by so quickly.